empty? hollowed out? like all the good stuff that you had inside has been used up, and all you're left with is the container?

i went to the doc last week. ugh. air force doctors are a joke. imagine what it'd be like to go and realize that the "doctor" isn't that, he's a physician's assistant. ugh. then you ascertain that his native tounge isn't yours. even better. now, about the time that you realize your intelligence exceeds his, you notice the diploma from a foriegn country. wow. nothing like quality health care.

they're telling me that chronic back pain is now my lot in life. i don't get an mri, i don't get a referral to the chiropractor, i get motrin and sent home. and my back is killing me.

i wonder what it was that i did in a previous life to deserve all the crap i've taken over the past couple of years. or maybe it as me screwing up in this one. but i'll tell you what, i'm tired of being broke, of being hurt, and of hurting.

maddie (bless her little heart) definitely keeps me focused. she and i had a great time this weekend - she even saw her first rainbow (and it doubled up!!!)

until another day, faithful readers, remember the rainbow and a child's love. they make all things relative.

so i got my absentee ballot from good old madera today, and it took all of three minutes to fill it out. look at the picture. if you're reasonably intelligent, you can extrapolate my ballot and define that word.

well, another great air force day. my back's a wreck, and the doc tells me that i'm pretty much outta luck. as best i can figure, if i don't have the "red flags" like uncontrollable bowels/bladder, etc., i just have to gut it out.

nice. they gave me motrin.

and to top it all off, the golden scarab is still overheating. never, ever take your car to firestone - they'll do ~$750 of work, and not fix the problem.

ugh. can i win the lottery now?

today is the third anniversary of the attack on america. did you forget? i didn't, and i sincerely hope that you remember the horror and anger you felt that day three years ago.

8:46 and 9:03. the towers are struck
9:37. the pentagon is struck
10:03. flight 40 crashes.
9:59 and 10:29. the towers collapse

hang onto it. there are those who feel that the images and memory is too traumatic - i dismiss this as liberal politically correct horse puckey (i'd use stronger language, but my mom reads this - sorry mom). that anger will get us through these tough times.

we fight an insidious and intrinsically evil foe - one who has corrupted the word of god into a license to commit mass murder.

2,749 dead at the world trade center
184 dead at the pentagon.
40 dead in the crash of flight 93 in pennsylvania

remember that we're fighting for our way of life, and light a candle in rememberance of those who lost thier lives in the attack, those who've made the ultimate sacrifice since, and those who continue to fight for all of us.

so, a couple of years ago, i post this little bit of drivel, a quote from erica jong:

"do you want me to tell you something really subversive? love is everything it's cracked up to be. that's why people are so cynical about it. it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

what happens when you finally figure out that you were wrong? i mean not just a little, but vastly, cosmically wrong? i wonder if there isn't anything wrong with me that couldn't be fixed by never having known this "love".

and gimme some money! click this link and get after it!

this is as good as it gets?

a friend commented on my patently and grossly fake smile today - it's a joke, people ask how i am and i grimace - and then he said: "are you ever truly happy?"

my answer was "not for about a year and a half."

damn.